Today was a lucid dream . I have not slept in 36 hours and I am falling through a virtual wonderland of what I have SUPPOSED things to be and what they ACTUALLY are .
I am alone . I am doing what I swore I would never feel comfortable doing .
And I am certainly NOT comfortable, and yet here I am by myself on the Catalan soil that my mother’s mother and her ancestors called home. I am wandering amidst the couples , and families and friend’s groups, and although I am not quite “comfortable” I am OWNING it … this autonomy as a solo woman traveler.
In the last few years I thought my world had closed up to me after my divorce , an oyster with a pearl I had yet to discover. I have spent a lifetime seeking it although always within the confines of my life in the U.S. But what if my oyster is Spanish, Moroccan, French, West African or maybe I have multiple oysters!
In these last few years , my thoughts have derailed all logic .
Who would I take vacations with? Travel with? Have adventures with?
Perhaps I wouldn’t go anywhere and my mind spun a story of a middle aged modern spinster who took up gardening and walking her dog as the primary adventures of her life ..
BUT something inside me resisted this and pushed me out of my virtual nest and out of the stories that could have kept me stuck for decades .
And so here I am in 2018, far from a veteran world traveler but with a few world experiences that have nurtured this desire to feed the fire of my curiosity as to how the world exists outside the bubble of Colorado .
People comment on my fearlessness but friends let me make myself clear and hear my confession:
I AM fearful .. I am AFRAID :
To open my mouth here in Spain where I do not speak the language terrifies me , BUT somehow, I find my voice , even if it is only a whisper or a tentative gesture.
I OFTEN tremble in turbulent moments crossing the dark Atlantic and need to hold my hand over my heart in the bright comforting light of the airplane bathroom with patient reassurance to myself that it is safe to surrender…
And I remind myself REPEATEDLY in the bustling social climate of foreign cities that I can be content in my own company.
So what do I desire from this journey ? Up until this moment I have not known .
I am not seeking happiness because I have always found the experience of happiness to be momentary, but in my prayers I ask spirit that some seeds of joy be planted that I might bring home and share in their harvest with those I love.
I DESIRE feeling the blood rush through my veins from the awe of observing or experiencing something new.
I SEEK to manifest that longing deep in my heart to find what could be familiar 6,000 miles away from where I call home,
I seek BEAUTY,I seek AMAZEMENT and I seek if NOT AWE, then WONDER!!
And now friends with google maps as my guide,analogous to Dorothy on the mysterious yellow brick road I will follow the blue dot and arrows on my little machine and make my way “ home “ to my room on Carrera de la sequia 1 in the gothic part of the old city of Barcelona!
And then to blessed sleep !!
