I got nothing checked off my to do list today. The crinkled loose-leaf paper which sat folded a thousand times in my purse is laid out on the smooth white granite of my kitchen counter.
It is prettily highlighted according to priority in greens, pinks and blues and I squint trying to blur their strong outline. Perhaps if I squint hard enough it will become like an impressionistic painting rather than the stark organized realism before me?
It makes me anxious, all these unattended tasks, as though I am failing at the management of my own life and yet . and yet .. (FOR THERE IS ALWAYS an AND YET) ..AND YET …today was a big day . It wasn’t meant to be a big day.
It became big by accident.
I went to the gym.
I met with a personal trainer.
It was a HUGE edge for me .
I have always struggled with what has felt like the limitations of physicality. My experience of my body often feels heavy and I refer not to my weight but to my spirit feeling tethered to form when it wants to flow freely.
And while I can connect to my sensual nature easily when I make love ,or eat a delicious meal, the day to day in this body has never felt easy ,and so I have spent the vast majority of my life ignoring it and hoping it will catch up with my mind and soul;
except that it hasn’t .
I have arthritis in both my knees, my neck, and my right shoulder, and I have sciatica that comes and goes.
Reality check strikes. A cruel check mark .
The gym feels claustrophobic although sunlight streams in through skylights that are strewn across 30 foot ceilings.
My right knee aches; I have a shooting pain in my shoulder and I grimace as I lean in to the cold metal apparatus .
The trainer tells me to focus on firing my glutes instead of my knees.
I think that I want to fire her !
I focus really hard on my damn butt muscles, but instead my knees lock up and I want to give up.
But I don’t .
I stay and pretend I am Wonder Woman before she became a superhero and actually schedule another appt for next week.
And then I soak in the hot tub and steam like an ape in the mist.
But I am exhausted, not only by the physical exertion but by what it took from me psychologically to overcome my discomfort.
Its 9 pm and I look my to do list straight in the eye.
And as I am underwhelmed by the lack of check marks on the page I am suddenly overwhelmed with gratitude at this personal success of mine today.
It is remarkable . I am remarkable!
Some days what we get done is not what we expect. Perhaps what we accomplish is bigger than the tasks on our to do list!
I’d like to think so.
